DEWM Dies (Chapter 4)

“Y’know, I once saving several babies from a burning building.” Dewm said, while driving the Pussy Wagon down a road.
“I don’t care.” Shadow said, sitting in the passenger seat. “I can’t believe you couldn’t just take my car.”
“Because, the tires popped.”
“You stabbed them with a greatsword while yelling about slaughtering infidels in Jerusalem!”
“Let’s not dwell on the past.” Dewm said. He looked out of his side window, and spotted Super Nova. “Oh hey, I know that guy!” He opened the door to the car while it was still moving, and jumped out.
“Dewm what the hell are you doing?!” Shadow yelled, her voice getting distant as the car moved on.
Dewm landed next to Nova, and put on a pair of sunglasses over his helmet. “Suicide is badass!”
Super Nova looked down at Dewm and it would seem like he was squinting his eyes, though nobody would be able to tell because his head was an exploding sun. "Dewm?" He said.
“That’s me, looking for hot women!” Dewm said, as he brushed dirt off his armor. “Shadow was just here... I wonder where she went.”
"I didn't see her. Are you looking to try and have sex with her?" Nova replied.
"Not exactly... Are you?"
"No." 
"Ah, classic Nova, always not looking to get yourself laid." Dewm said, disappointed. 
"Said by the guy who can never get laid."
"Well fuck you then, your appearance in this book could just end here." Dewm said, infuriated by Nova's comment. 
"Man, fuck you. You don't get to decide that. This is supposed to be hell for you." 
"Yeah, well, why don't we go tear down the fifth wall while we're at it?"
"Bitch please, I'll tear down reality in itself."
“Actually, abort, abort I don't like the sound of that, this book still has six more chapters to go."
"Hmmm, fine. But I'll breaking something, whether it's the universe or reality."
"And I'm sure it'll be my legs or something, yeah, whatever, fucking savage, Keemstar has to get on this right now."
Suddenly, the Pussy Wagon appeared, and ran over Dewm, and Shadow jumped out of the driver's seat.
"Have your goddamn car back!" She yelled.
"Yeah well, looks like it wasn't just your legs that broke." Super Nova said, after witnessing that.


Dewm was later being wheeled around in a wheelchair, his legs were broken, he looked at the nurse wheeling him around. “Baby, let me tell you, if my legs were working right now, you’d be getting it, you’d be getting it good. What cup size are you?” The nurse looked angrily at Dewm, and pushed him into the closest room, and quickly walked out. Upon some investigation, it seemed like a shared room, the other half of the room was covered by a curtain. The nurse walked back in, and crossed her arms at Dewm. “So is that a no on the blowjob?”
“You have some friends visiting.”
“Gee, I wonder if they’ll give me a blowjob instead.”
Shadow, Super Nova and Magnus walked in.
“That’ll be a yes, get out of here you cunt!” Dewm said, as he waved at the nurse, implying for her to leave. The Nurse left.
“Shadow, you gotta help me, I’ve got a raging boner right now and I’ve always wanted to fuck someone in a hospital.”
“Shut up! I’m so fucking sick of you already!” Shadow said.
Dewm’s lips quivered beneath his helmet. “Well if no one is going to suck me off, then-” Someone in the other side of the room began coughing, which got Dewm’s attention. Dewm thought for a moment, then pulled the curtain a little back, peeking his head in the other side. “Hey baby, I’ve got the perfect throat lozenge for y- holy shit!” Dewm yelled, in the other part of the room was Marc, Senpai, Good Times and Forthright, they reacted similarly. Dewm turned to Magnus.
“Quickly, we must execute Operation: That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze But Then Your Friend Is Like ‘Hey, what's up?’ And You Suddenly Freeze But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle And You're Like ‘Fuck!’ And Then You Sneeze!”
“What the fuck kind of Operation has a name like that?” Nova asked.
“A good one.” Magnus said.
Dewm ripped the curtain down and everyone got into a combat stance, other than Dewm. Forthright rushed at Dewm and grabbed him by the neck, picking him up out of the wheelchair. Dewm began hitting Forthright in the face multiple times until Forthright dropped Dewm. Dewm hit the floor, his legs bending in several directions, he screamed, then uppercutted Forthright in the balls, he fell to his knees, gripping his groin. Dewm lifted himself on top of the hospital bed, and reached for a nearby scalpel, before Forthright began to pull him off the bed, but Dewm gripped the sheets tightly, he turned his head to face Forthright, who was grabbing Dewm’s fucked up thighs. “At least take me out to dinner first you fucking rapist!”
Forthright’s mouth began to foam up, and his entire body froze and fell over, the Nurse quickly barged into the room and injected a syringe filled with liquid into Forthright, which caused the foaming to stop. “Couldn’t handle the size of my cock, could you bitch?!” Dewm said, as he pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed, he looked around at how his friends were faring with their battle. Marc and Magnus were arm wrestling, Senpai and Shadow were pulling each other’s hair, and Nova and Good Times kept yelling swear words at each other. “This is you guys battling? Did you miss my fight? I mean, I held Forthright off pretty well and my legs weren’t working.”
Everyone ignored Dewm.
“Fuck you, too.” Dewm said. He looked over at an end table next to the wheelchair, and spotted his armor. “Shadow, help! Help!”
Shadow looked at him and flicked him off.
“It doesn’t have to do with sex!”
Shadow immediately pushed Senpai away from her, and walked up to Dewm. “What is it?”
“Get me my pants.”
Shadow tilted her head. “Are you the real Dewm?”
“Just get me my fucking pants.”
Shadow walked over and grabbed Dewm’s combat pants, and walked back over to him with it, handing it to him. Dewm reached into one of the pockets and pulled a Medpack out of it, he took off his helmet and pushed the Medpack into his mouth, then swallowed it. His legs immediately pushed themselves back into position, and he jumped up off the bed.
“Alright, let’s go hunting for virgins, you with me?” Dewm asked.
“No.”
“Fine, you damn dyke. I’m leaving.” Dewm said as he put his helmet back on and walked out. Senpai charged back at Shadow, who pepper sprayed him on sight.


Dewm got into the driver’s seat of the Pussy Wagon, and started it, he reached into the glove department and grabbed an old, crumpled up McDonald’s bag, and pulled out a half-eaten burger, suddenly, Seras Vyrian jumped out of the back seat, and yelled out a robotic roar that sounded like it escaped the mouth of a young girl. “Gah, fuck!” Dewm yelled, as he turned to face Seras. “The fuck is wrong with you?!”
“I saw your car, so I decided to jump in and wait until you get back!” Seras said, gleefully.
“I almost hit you in the fucking face. I’d like to see a robot cheetah take a hit like that.”
Seras climbed into the passenger seat, and spotted the burger in Dewm’s hand. “Silly organics...”
Dewm grunted as he threw the burger out of the side window. “I feel like something else is happening right now...”


Several hours later, Forthright, being assisted by the Nurse, walked with the rest of the party, as they re-entered the swamp, reaching the headquarters. “Open up you fucking piece of trash, I’m not in the mood to do the Legion of Doom joke.” Forthright said, afterwards the Legion of Doom HQ opened up out of the swamp. The Nurse looked around. “Are you sure we’re supposed to be here?”
“Shut up, and no women aren’t allowed to be a part of the Legion of Doom.” Forthright said.
“That’s not what I asked...”
Everyone entered the HQ, and the Nurse looked at Forthright. “You need to take this rabies shot twice a day, I’ll be staying here if you need me to help you with it.”
“Fuck, fine, just get out of here, go, we’ve got evil stuff to talk about.” Forthright said, waving the Nurse away. After the Nurse left, Forthright cleared his throat. “Right, now, I don’t think Dewm gives a shit about what was in the suitcase. I mean shit he’s still hitting on that emo chick other than doing anything else.”
“Kill yourself.” Good Times said.
“That’s a great idea!” Senpai said.
“You two don’t stop jerking each other off, do you?” Marc said.
“Kill yourself.”
“... What did he say?” Marc asked, looking at Senpai.
“He actually meant ‘kill yourself’ that time.” Senpai replied.
“We’re getting off track.” Forthright said. “We need to focus, what did Good Times say at first, something about, kidnaping...”
“Kidnapping the girl, the emo one. Dewm certainly cares about her… right?” Senpai said.
“It’s a brilliant plan, I’ll give it up. So. Let’s uh… do it, I guess.” Marc said.