Dewm Dies: Back to the Future that is also the Present that is also the Past

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Dewm Dies: Back to the Future that is also the Present that is also the Past

Post by DEWM NINJA on Mon May 01, 2017 5:09 am

Dewm was walking back to Shadow's house, when he spotted John tossing stuff off of a balcony, with Marc under him begging him not to drop the very thing he did seconds later.
“Goddammit, John! That was my EOD helmet! That’s very fragile!” Marc yelled at John, who payed him no mind. Dewm simply stood back and watched, until John walked back inside. Marc looked at Dewm.
“You! You gotta help me! I’ve got nowhere to live! The Admins just drag you into jail if you don’t have a house! That’s not right!”
“Nigga Shadow’s house isn’t mine. You’re gonna have to take it up with her, not me. What even makes you think I want you there anyway?”
“Just help me, please, I’ll tell you a secret, I’ll suck your dick!” Marc said as he fell on his knees.
“I’ll have to turn down that second one, I’ve already got women who do that. You’re not on that list.”
“Fine, fine, here, I’ll tell you what, here's a secret: I’m not even from here, I came from 2016, but I got hit by a car and the devil sent me here as punishment. There, there’s a secret. Now can you at least ask that cunt you live with to let me stay, at least for a couple of days?”
“Wait, what? The same thing happened to me...”
“Huh… strange. Anyway can you go ask-”
“Have you ever wondered why he took us back to ‘84, too?”
“No, now please, ask S-”
“Shut up, I’m gonna confront that devious bastard with why he took me back here.” Dewm said as he walked away.
“Wait! What about me?!” Marc cried out at Dewm.
“Fuck you!” Dewm said as he continued away.

Later, Dewm was in the parking lot of a TGI Friday’s, arranging a bunch of strange demon artifacts. “I think that’s the last piece to the ritual… Wait, no...” Dewm reached into his pocket and pulled out Axy ‘Churai’s head.
“Kill me.” Axy’s head said.
“Later.” Dewm said, as he placed his head on the ground. Suddenly, the space in front of him erupted in flames, and Spook2001, wearing sandals, cargo shorts, and a button-down flower shirt appeared, sitting in a beach chair.
“Hey! What the hell?! This is my vacation day!” Spook yelled.
“Yeah but I gotta ask you something.”
“Ugh, goddammit, yes God is a chick. Can I go now?”
“What? No, my question is why did you take me back to the year 1984?”
“Wait, you haven’t figured it out yet? What day is it… Friday? Ah shit, you’ve only got about a week and a half left.”
“To do what?”
”I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Just, go to Pullman, Chicago. You’ll found out there, surely.”
“Fine. Now go back to… Hawaii?”
”Florida. Me and the Grim Reaper like it there because most old people die there, so it’s easy to collect their souls while we’re still there.” Spook said before he vanished.
“Alright then, Axy, let’s go!”
“Why won’t you just fucking kill me?”

The next day, Dewm had arrived in the neighborhood he had yet to be born and grow up in. His first decision was to go to his house, where he parked outside of. He took a look around, where he spotted a young man wearing sunglasses and the typical crazy outfit of the 80’s. Dewm walked up to him. “Hey, buddy, you look offly familiar. What’s your name?” The man took off his sunglasses and looked at Dewm.
“Who’s asking?” The man asked, with a voice very similar to Dewm’s, as a matter of fact, everything about him made him look a lot like Dewm.
“Well, I’ve got two names, the official one, and the nickname. My nickname is DEWM NINJA, and my real name’s Josh.” Dewm said.
“Haven’t met anyone like that, but my name’s James. James Jones.”
“Oh shit.”
“What?”
“Nothing, uh, wait a minute...”
Dewm turned around, but time froze around him and Spook was there in front of Dewm when Dewm turned around.
“Yep, that’s your dad.” Spook said.
“Holy shit… OK so now what?”
“Your dad’s on his way to being cool, as always, but, uh, something strange is going to happen, and how you can stop it is standing in the street, and waiting a couple minutes.”
“Why-” Dewm was about to ask, before time went back to normal. He turned around to look at his dad, but he was already walking away. Dewm cracked his knuckles and sighed. “What could go wrong?” Dewm asked himself, before walking into the street and standing there. Eventually, a car hit him and everything went black.

Everything was returning to Dewm, slowly. He took a look around, he was in a room, laying on a bed. He got up, and noticed a girl was sitting elsewhere in the room, she was facing away from him. “Where the hell am I?” Dewm asked.
The girl gasped and looked at him. “Calm down, you were run over by my dad, we didn’t want to pay any hospital bills so I came over to take care of you. My name’s Tiffany.”
“Oh, goddammit.” Dewm said.
”There’s your mom.” Spook said, telepathically.
“I tried to check your underwear to see what your name was, but you weren’t wearing any.”
“That’s because underwear is for fucking degenerates.” Dewm said.
“So, what’s your name?” Dewm’s mom asked.
“Josh, don’t forget it.” Dewm said.
“Uh… OK...”
“I’ve got to go now, so if there’s nothing else-”
“Wait, there’s something I have to ask you, there’s these two guys in my life, and they both want to go out on a date with me, and I can’t decide who. There’s this one guy named Butch, and the other, James. Butch seems to like-”
“OK, stop, you’re giving me a fucking headache, just go with any guy, why should I give a damn?” Dewm asked.
”I wouldn’t recommend that.” Spook said to Dewm.
“Oh… fine, leave. Sorry for making sure you’re alive.” Dewm’s mom said.
It didn’t take long for Dewm to walk out. Spook appeared in front of him. ”You fucking idiot now you’re not going to be born.” Spook said.
“What? Oh shit, no, wait, I understand now.” Dewm said. “But she’ll pick my dad, I haven’t interfered with anything.” Spook grabbed him and levitated upwards to show him the room of his mom, through her window. His mother was writing in her diary, before she walked out of the room.
”I suggest reading her newest entry.” Spook said.
Spook threw him through the window, and Dewm landed right before the diary, he read it out loud.
“This guy I met, Josh, is so dreamy, he doesn’t give a fuck about anything. I like it so much.” Dewm said, before putting down the diary. “Why do women like this exist? They’ve always confused me.”
”I don’t know, but you’ve fucked everything up. You gotta fix it now.”
“Alright, alright, fine. Where to start...” Dewm thought.

Dewm walked into a diner, where he spotted his dad sitting in a booth with a bunch of other girls with him. He rushed over there.
“Hey, it’s me again, alright look, you look like the kind of guy that gets laid a lot and there’s this one girl-” Dewm started.
“Oh, it’s you. Listen I don’t have time right now so I suggest you beat it, before I beat you.”
”Hah! Your dad is so much cooler than you.”
“No, wait, hear me out-”
“Nonononono, you get out of here, you’re such a fucking flamer, man.”
“Hey dude I’ll kick your ass!”
”Don’t kick your dad’s ass, please.”
“You’ll kick my ass? Let me correct you on that.” Dewm’s dad said, getting up out of the booth.
Dewm got into a karate stance as did his dad, before he thought to himself, “Wait shit, I learned karate from my dad...” before his dad punched him in the stomach.
“Ah! Okay, wait, stop, let’s talk this out.” Dewm said, gripping his stomach. “I just want to suggest you have sex with that one bimbo named Tiffany. It could produce some good results.” Dewm said.
“Suck my dick.” His dad said.
“Request that from Tiffany.” Dewm said, as he walked out, still holding his stomach.
”You are a real jackass.” Spook said.
“At least I’m trying.” Dewm said. Suddenly, from the bushes, Dewm’s mom tackled him, and giggled.
“Ah, get off of me you cunt!” Dewm yelled. He pushed her off of him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out Axy’s head. “Bark at her, scare her away Axy!”
“Uh, barkwort, barkwort!” Axy yelled. She screamed and ran away.
“Goddammit. My dad keeps kicking my ass and my mom keeps trying to suck me off.” Dewm said.
“That’s your problem. Now can you kill me?” Axy asked.
“Later, man.”
“Hey, I’ve got an idea, I’ll give you a hint if you promise to kill me later.” Axy said.
“Alright, fine, what is it?”
“If you can’t convince your dad physically, why not psychologically? Try to scare him.”
“Huh… that could work. I’ve got an idea...”

Later that night, Dewm’s dad was sleeping on his bed, with his sunglasses still on. Dewm jumped out, wearing a set of SPARTAN armor, and yelled, waking up his dad. “Greetings, human, my name is… Sektor, from the planet… M-Mercury. If you don’t have sex with Tiffany, I will melt your penis off with this laser gun!” Dewm yelled as he fired the laser rifle at the ceiling. “You have one week.” Dewm said, before he activated active camouflage and walked away.
”There is absolutely no way that’s going to work.” Spook said.

The next day, Dewm was looking around behind some bushes, when he spotted his dad, visibly wearing a cup. “Y’know, I actually think this is going to work.” Dewm said, looking to his left at Spook. He then noticed his mom sneaking up on his dad, before they spoke shortly and walked around to a nearby alley.
“Wow, how alike you and your dad are.”
“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Dewm replied.
”Now you’ve only got one more objective: to keep them together.”
“What?”
”Well, if your dad is just doing what you do with every other woman, who’s going to teach you all about what you know now? Hell, who knows if you’ll even meet the same kind of people?”
“That’s... a pretty good point. Alright, I’ve got an idea.” Dewm said, he reached into his pocket and grabbed a pen and a card, and wrote some shit down. “Alright, I’ve forged a couple letters, I’m gonna hope they meet each other… here! At Aurelio’s. The greatest pizza restaurant in Chicago. Hopefully fetus Dewm gets an appetite for pizza from here on out.”
”That is one of the fucking craziest things I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”
“Hey, look, it’s my life. Let me make the decisions I want, for myself… ?”

The following day, Dewm was at Aurelio's, he soon spotted his parents walking in. “This is going oddly well.” He said. Spook rushed in.
”Hey dude, listen, some guy ran into my parked car so I cut off some of his fingers, turns out it’s the guitarist to the band ‘The Penguins’ and they had a gig here. So you’re going solo on this from here on out.” Spook said before vanishing. Shortly afterwards, the rest of the band members rushed the guitarist in, helping him.
“Someone has to call an ambulance!” The singer yelled, it wasn’t long until one was here, and the band members were freaking out. “We can’t play without a guitarist.” The singer said.
“I can play the guitar.” Dewm said.
The band looked at Dewm. They spoke amongst themselves before the singer looked at Dewm. “Alright, fine, let’s see what you’ve got.”


After a few songs, most notably the last one, Earth Angel, the band was at a loss as for what to play. Dewm raised his hand. “I’ve got one that can bring this place to the ground, if you guys can keep up.”
The band members took this as a challenge. “Alright, play it.”
Dewm started the intro solo to Master of Puppets, in the middle of the song one of the waiters grabbed a wall phone. “Hey James! It’s your cousin, Edward! Edward Hetfield! You know that new sound you were looking for? Well listen to this!” The waiter, Edward said, before moving the phone away from his head and towards the band. When they finished, the people of the restaurant all looked at Dewm. His dad laughed.
“Wow, you are such a HUGE flamer.” He said. He looked at Dewm’s mom. “Wanna do it in the bathroom?” He asked. Dewm’s mom nodded, and the two left.
“Dewm sighed.” I’ll bet you guys their kid’ll like it.
”DEWM! To the bathroom! I found a discarded condom in that alley, they’re using protection for some reason!” Spook yelled telepathically in Dewm’s head.
“Shit!” Dewm yelled, he threw down the guitar and set off into the batroom, where he spotted his dad pulling out a box of condoms from his back pocket.
“Axy, get it!” Dewm yelled as he threw Axy’s head at the box. Axy caught it in his mouth, and Dewm quickly picked up Axy’s head. “Good job!” Dewm yelled as he sprinted out.
“Eh, what’s the worst that could happen if I don’t use a condom?” Dewm’s dad asked Dewm’s mom after Dewm ran out.
“That was some good teamwork, huh?” Axy asked.
“Wait, what happened to the box?” Dewm asked.
“Oh, I swallowed it.”
“You just, swallowed a bunch of condoms?”
“What stomach is it going to anyway?”
“That’s a good point. Alright, let’s go home, I think I left the oven on.”
The two laughed like people do at the end of movies and stuff. “No really I did leave it on, Shadow’s gonna be pissed.”
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DEWM NINJA

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