Dewm Dies: The Christmas Special

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Dewm Dies: The Christmas Special Empty Dewm Dies: The Christmas Special

Post by DEWM NINJA on Mon May 01, 2017 4:09 am

Two kids slept on a couch, in front of an unlit fireplace, when they heard a noise coming from the top of the chimney. A figure dropped down from the roof and into the house through the chimney, when they landed, dust and smoke surrounded them from the burnt ashes of wood. The kids looked up, excited at the arrival of Santa, exclaiming his name in a whispered fashion, but as the smoke cleared, it was Dewm. “Santa isn’t real kids, and neither is god!” Dewm said, as he rushed away from the living room, the kids began crying. Dewm bursted into their mother’s room.

The next morning, aka 3am, Dewm put his armor back on and walked out of the front door, where Wighen was waiting outside. “And that’s how you ruin childhood dreams and still get away with fucking their mom.” Dewm said. “None of that doxing bullshit you’ve been doing on HURP Avenu.”
“You sure haven’t been very nice to me ever since it was fun to everyone else to pick on me.” Wighen said.
“Shut up.” Dewm said.
“Oh, OK...”
“Alright, now then, I’ve still got that girl that works the bakery counter at Stracks, and then I think some other chick turned 18 a couple weeks ago, I need to get on that next… Spreading the Christmas cheer isn’t easy, especially if you last so long the husband wakes up too fast. Or the Dad… Depending on the age really.” Dewm said.
“What about the others, what are you getting them for Christmas?” Wighen asked.
“As in, the group? Fuck if I know, probably nothing. I mean, my mom never got me anything for Christmas.” Dewm said.
“You didn’t say your dad didn’t though...” Wighen said.
“That’s because my dad is fucking awesome, alright?” Dewm said. “Get in the car, let’s go, we’ve got more women to fuck. And by we I mean me. You can watch.” Dewm said, as he started the Pussy Wagon.

A few hours later, Dewm pulled up in Shadow’s driveway. That wasn’t an innuendo. He walked in the front door, with Wighen behind him, although Dewm shut the door on him before he walked in. Shadow looked over at Dewm. “The cookies were burnt.” She said.
“Are you fucking kidding me? How are you such a shit cook if you have a vagina?” Dewm asked. Shadow simply threw a knife at him. “I could probably bake cookies better than you.”
“Really? Because I doubt yours could be edible in the first place.” Shadow said.
Dewm reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheet of Christmas cookies and placed them on the table.
“What the hell is wrong with your pockets?” Shadow asked.
“I’m not quite sure, I can put a whole rocket launcher in there. And fifty rockets.” Dewm said.
“Well, I didn’t ask you to pull out cookies from your pocket, I asked you to actually bake them.” Shadow said.
“Fine, fine, but only because we’re supposed to be the ones arriving to the party with cookies.” Dewm said. At that moment, Asmund walked in wearing an apron and a chef’s hat, holding a sheet of cookies. “Did someone say cookies?” Asmund asked.
“Well, you’re a bit late but, yeah, basically.” Shadow said.
“Oh, good, because I didn’t know if anyone actually said ‘cookies’. Oh, and you’ve got an elite outside freezing to death.” Asmund said.
“I don’t know any elites.” Dewm replied.
“Right. Well, I just wanted you guys to have some cookies. Because it’s Christmas.” Asmund said, as he placed the cookies on a table and walked back outside.
“So then, now that it’s just you and me...” Dewm started.
“No, I won’t let you have sex with me.” Shadow said, angrily.
“Who said I was going to say anything about sex? I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to play Wii Bowling.” Dewm said as he held up two Wii remotes.

A few hours later, Dewm and Shadow were driving somewhere I guess idk. I’m the worst narrator ever.
“So you think this is going to go well?” Dewm asked. Shadow started laughing.
“There isn’t a chance in hell that this is going to be even remotely normal.”
“What makes you say that?” Dewm asked.
“Look in a mirror.” Shadow said. The two reached a town square of sorts, with a giant Christmas tree in the middle.
“For example, that Christmas tree. It has about a really good chance of being burnt down, and a higher chance of the person who burns it down being you.” Shadow said. Seras jumped out from the back of the car, peeking her head between the two.
“Correction: A 87% chance of being burnt down, and a 100% chance of it being done by Dewm.” Seras said.
“At least I’d burn it down better than either of you could.” Dewm said.
“Is that a bet?” Shadow asked. Dewm parked the car and got out with the other two. “Oh goddammit! We forgot the cookies!” Shadow yelled.
“Nah, I put them in my pocket.” Dewm said. A man in a police uniform approached the three, he wore a badge that had the Google+ logo on it. “Are you the guys that were supposed to bring the cookies?!” He asked, frantically.
“Yeah, why?” Dewm asked.
“Oh, thank Larry Page!” He said. “I am the manager of this event, one of the Admins of Google-”
“Yeah yeah, who gives a shit?” Dewm asked, as he walked past him. Shadow and Seras followed Dewm. “Alright, so, I’ll just put these here...” Dewm said, as he pulled out the cookie sheets and placed them on a table. Asmund noticed Dewm and walked over, trying one of the cookies. “Hey, this is pretty good!” Asmund said.
“Yeah… you made them.” Dewm said.
“WHAT?! These were made for you guys!” Asmund said, as he ate another cookie. “How dare you bring them to an event where anyone can try them!” He said, stuffing a couple more cookies into his mouth. He rambled on until all the cookies were gone, then walked away.
“I always wondered why he wore armor that makes him look fat.” Dewm said.
A bunch of people from HURP walked by in a conga line, chanting “Recon” instead of “Conga”. “They seem happy.” Shadow said.
“It’s hard to explain.” Dewm replied. Magnus and Bjorn drove in to park their car while some hydraulics kept moving the car around before the two parked it.
“I told you we shouldn’t have installed the most powerful ones, I can barely drive this fucking thing anymore.” Magnus said as he got out of the car.
Dewm walked up to Magnus and Bjorn. “You guys do know it’s not the 90’s yet, right? That’s not a very cool thing to do to your car yet.” Dewm said.
“Yeah but I mean, what pussy magnet car doesn’t have hydraulics on it?” Bjorn asked.
“One that’s not from the 90’s.” Dewm said. “Well, everyone else from HURP is celebrating the return of Recon from Gen1, so, I suggest you join them.” Suddenly, Cool started descending from the sky, playing a guitar solo before he gently landed onto the ground.
“I’ve got a gig here, before you guys ask.” Cool said to Dewm and the others.
“Alright, so everyone’s here other than Nova.” Dewm said.
“I’ve actually been next to you guys the whole time.” Nova said.
“Oh… huh. Well then. That should be our group, then.” Dewm said. The Admin walked over.
“Everyone’s here, right… right? Right...” The Admin said, sweating nervously. He walked over to a podium, and started talking, although he threw up mid-sentence.
“The Google+ Admins fucking suck.” Dewm said. “You know what would be pretty exhilarating?” Dewm asked, he stopped John as he walked by. “Do you happen to have a flamethrower?” Dewm asked.
“I can only carry two weapons at a time, but since it’s cold and I need an easy way to light a fire to set the mood for the ladies later, I’ve got one.” John said as he handed it to Dewm. “Save a little fuel for me, though.” John said. Dewm nodded and walked over to the Christmas tree.
“FUCK NATURE!” He yelled as he fired the flamethrower at the tree, setting it aflame. The Admin screamed in a girly fashion, and ran over to Dewm, trying to stop him as he grabbed the flamethrower and began trying to pull in out of Dewm’s grasp. Dewm punched him in the face and fired the flamethrower at him, setting him on fire. He ran in circles, screaming. Everyone looked at Dewm, shocked, other than Shadow, who has her face planted into her hands, shaking her head.
“Who wants Smores?!” Dewm yelled as he grabbed the necessary ingredients from his pocket. Everyone cheered.

A book closed, and a man said “The End...”. A young girl sat in the man’s lap, and looked up. “So, Santa is real… and a man wearing strange armor isn’t going to break into our house?” She asked. “Ha, of course not, now, get some sleep or Santa won’t come.” The man said as he walked out, leaving the little girl in her room with the lights out. Suddenly, Dewm bursted through the window, yelling, “SANTA ISN’T REAL! YOUR PARENTS ARE LYING TO YOU!”. The little girl screamed and cried, her father bursted in, and ran at Dewm with a bat, but Dewm hit him in the face, which knocked him out and left him lying on the floor, bleeding. The little girl ran to her father’s unconscious body, crying. “The day is saved, once again.” Dewm said, jumping back out of the window.

i've had way too much eggnog already

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