DEWM Dies (Chapter 1)

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
“Welcome to 2016 those that are just getting up! My, how the years go by. Maybe that’s because I get paid for listening to music! Hah! Ah, I’m such a-”
The radio was picked up and crushed.
“Enough of that shit.”
DEWM jumped out of bed. He walked into his kitchen, warmed some coffee, and looked at the calendar.
“2016 here I come.”
He hit some buttons on a radio, and began his daily cycle. Once done, he jumped on his computer. His life.
“Ah shit, I forgot to pick up some food.“
DEWM slammed his laptop shut, and walked out of his house, began to cross the street, when a fucking car ran him over. DEWM was very fucked up, literally every bone in his body was broken.
“Ah shit! Did I hit someone?!” The driver said.
The car drove in reverse, over DEWM again.
“Nope, just a pile of garbage.”
The car ran over him again. An ambulance drove over to rescue him, but was then hit by another car, causing the Ambulance to be pushed forward, over DEWM again, followed by the other car, running him over, then the other car drove in reverse, over DEWM again. Light flooded his vision.

Everything around him was white. Suddenly, some guy in a set of armor and a pumpkin for a head appeared.
“Ah fuck, not you, I thought you died when I changed my name.” DEWM said.
It was Spook2001.
”What are you, fucking gay? I can’t die. Anyway, I beat Satan in a contest to who could whine the loudest, so now I’m the one who tortures people in hell.”
“I’m in hell?”
”Yeah, no shit, let me go over all your sins.”
Spook2001 pulled out a 3000-page book labeled ‘DEWM’s sins’.
”Ah, when you were 5, you called everyone at your birthday party a douchebag because you heard your father say it one time. When you were 9, you had very naughty thoughts about a female peer of yours. When you were 14, you believed in atheism for 12 minutes. Oh, and when you were 16 you fucked your English teacher. And your Math teacher. And your geography teacher.”
“OK, look, no one needs to know that.”
”I’m speaking to you, dumbass, who else is hearing this?”
“The asshole reading right now.”
”... I think you’re having a mental breakdown right now.”
“Whatever. So how am I being tortured? Are you going stab me? Maybe boil me in a pot like Loony Toons? If you want to go down with some gay ass-fucking that’s cool, too, I have experience.”
”What? Dude, gay people fucking suck.”
“Isn’t it a sin to be gay?”
”What the fuck? No! God loves those faggots. Are you all still reading the 100’s style Bible up there?”
“Yeah.”
”You people are retarded. Anyway, your punishment is… here, this should be fitting for you.”
A TV and an Xbox appeared in front of DEWM, and Spook turned it on. On the screen was Titanfall.
“Holy shit!”
DEWM punched the TV.
”WOAH WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!”
“I ain’t playing Titanfall. I’d rather burn for eternity.”
”Wow you’re a real asshole. That was a Samsung, you know how much that’s gonna cost me to replace? It costed enough to do that magic teleport shit. Uh, here, I’ll just… give you your own other hell, that you can’t break.”
DEWM was teleported out of the white abyss.

DEWM opened his eyes. He was in the middle of the street. A car came close to running him over, but he jumped out of the way. As the car drove away, the driver yelled, “Holy shit! I almost hit a pile of garbage!”
DEWM shook his head. He looked around, in front of him was a house, the mailbox read ‘A222’.
“Fuck me, it’s about time I meet someone normal.”
DEWM walked up to the door and knocked. The door opened.
Cue the Kill Bill Ironside theme, it was Marc.
DEWM punched Marc in the face, knocking him back. DEWM tried a kick, which was punched back by Marc, but immediately went with a left hook which connected to Marc’s face, then tried to hit him again with his right hand but Marc blocked it and threw DEWM behind him, who landed on a glass table. Marc tried to smash his foot down onto DEWM’s chest, but DEWM blocked it, then kicked Marc in the balls, then in the face, Marc fell backwards onto another glass table.
“Why are there so many goddamn glass tables in your house?!” DEWM yelled.
DEWM ran over to hit Marc again, but Marc hit DEWM in the knee with one of the table’s legs, causing DEWM to fall to his knees. Marc swung the table leg at DEWM’s head, but DEWM dodged, falling on the floor, but Marc swung the leg at DEWM’s head. It was blocked, then DEWM kicked Marc in the stomach, the pushed him away. DEWM held Marc in a headlock, then began strangling him. Marc reached out, grabbing a fireplace hook and stabbed DEWM in the head. Marc began to gasp for breath, he got up and tried to swing the hook at DEWM’s neck but DEWM ducked, then kicked Marc into a display of dishes. He looked at the display, then dropped it onto DEWM, making all the dishes crash onto him. Marc ran into the Kitchen, then DEWM ran to catch up, but Marc jumped out from around the corner with a knife, swinging the knife at DEWM’s head, then jabbing it towards his stomach, but both attacks were dodged. DEWM grabbed a frying pan, blocking the attacks. Marc knocked the pan out of DEWM’s hands, then kicked him in the stomach. DEWM fell back onto a wooden table, Marc jumped at him, but DEWM rolled off the table then under it, jabbing the knife through the table at Marc who was laying on the top of it, but DEWM missed the stab. DEWM pulled the knife out of the table, then kicked it over, knocking down Marc. They both got into stances, standing in the wrecked living room.
“C’mon, Tweedledum!” Marc said.
“You won’t shut the fuck up about that, huh?”
They swung at each other a few times, no hits.
Suddenly, John-A222 walked into the house. DEWM and Marc hid the knives behind their backs.
“Marc, I’m home.” John said.
“Hey, John, how what that meeting?” Marc asked.
“What happened to the living room?” John asked.
“Uh, the dog ran around and knocked everything over.” Marc said.
“Who’s this?” John asked.
“It’s DEWM, remember?.”
“I thought DEWM was dead.”
“Fucking what?” DEWM said.
“I’ll be upstairs if anyone needs me.” John said.
DEWM and Marc put the knives away.
“So, I assume you’re here for revenge.” Marc said.
“Revenge?” Dewm asked.
“Ah, I see. You’re retarded.”
“Yeah, OK, real mature. I still haven’t got a damn clue what that means.”
Suddenly, time around DEWM froze, everything turned black and white.
”Allow me to explain...” Spook’s voice echoed around DEWM.
“Oh fuck off.”
”OK, bye, you can find everything out by yourself.”
“No, wait!”
”Only if you tell me a compliment about my penis size.”
“... I like your big dick. Can we continue now?”
”OK, so right now, you’re in the 80’s. Specifically, 84.”
“Ha, good joke, I was born in 87, so I’d be a sperm cell right now.”
”You are VERY ignorant, let me ask you, have you noticed that you’re wearing the armor used by Doomguy?”
“What the fuck, why? I look like a jackass.”
”Right now, you’re in a parallel universe to yours, in which you are your Google+ ‘avatar’, everyone is.”
“Mhm, so where am I?”
”Google+ Island, New York.”
“And let me guess, this is where everyone from Google+ is, their avatars, as I should say.”
”Yes. Furthermore, when Marc meant ‘Revenge’, he was the one that killed you, back in 81. He’s also hiding a gun in a cereal box right now, which he will use to make it look like he’s preparing a bowl of cereal right now, then he’ll shoot you.”
“Ah, good to know.”
”Alright, everything’s going to be fixed, remember that cereal box thing, 10th time’s the charm! Oh, and Magnus owes you money, you should pay him a visit afterwards.”
Everything went back to normal.
Marc went into the kitchen, and DEWM followed. Marc began to pour some cereal. The two sat silently in the kitchen. Marc lifted the box, and put his arm all the way at the bottom of the box.
“THINK FAST!”
Marc aimed the box at DEWM, and fired a gun from inside of it. The shot missed, and DEWM rolled away from the corner he was in, then threw his knife at Marc’s head, the knife penetrated his helmet and skull, and he fell over, cereal spilled everywhere.
“Oh shit.” John said.
“Oh, yeah, sorry. Marc nearly shot me, so… it was self defense. Don’t call the cops. Or Magnus.”
“It’s OK. He stole your car anyway, after we thought you died.”
“The... Pussy Wagon?”
“Yeah, it’s in the garage.”
DEWM walked out of the kitchen, but turned around before he left completely.
“What happened, while you thought I was dead?”
“Marc decided to move in with me. We were ROOMMATES. There was nothing sexual. Nadda. Oh, and your home was completely demolished so they could build another McDonald’s.”
DEWM let out a sigh, he left the kitchen, and entered the Garage. Inside, was a yellow truck, which the words “Pussy Wagon” written in pink. His 2015 Christmas gift, though it was probably a christmas gift of his sometime before 84 in this universe. The car was a bit old and dusty, but not too bad. DEWM pulled out the keys and started up the car. John entered the Garage to talk with DEWM before he left.
“Just letting you know, a lot has changed since you left.”
“Uh… yeah… I guess.”
The garage door opened, and DEWM drove off.
“‘A lot has changed’? What, did Bonnie Tyler release a new album or something?”

The Pussy Wagon drove down an unfamiliar street. HURP Avenu.
The car stopped outside of a house, the mailbox read “Magnus”.
DEWM rang the doorbell.
“Who is it?”
“Forthright Overkill.” DEWM said.
A gun fired through the door.
“Jesus, it’s just a prank, bro!”
The door opened, and Magnus was there.
“I thought you were kill.”
“I’m not. I’m here for my money.”
“Ah fuck, I knew you’d say that.”
Magnus walked back into his house, and DEWM followed.
Magnus pulled out a suitcase, and opened it. Inside was a 10 year supply of Doritos and Mountain Dew. DEWM snatched the suitcase, and began to walk off.
“Be careful with that. In your hands is an immense amount of power.”
“I know.”
DEWM walked off and threw the suitcase in the back of the Pussy Wagon.
“Would you like to stay for a while?”
“No. I’ve got stuff to do.”
DEWM jumped in the Pussy Wagon, the car drove away.
“I’ve got so much time and nothing to do with it! Finally!”